I don’t know why I constantly let myself feel this way, trusting people way too easily and believing things can/are/will be great. I keep thinking things will look up for me soon, and as soon as they do, everything crumbles. I have no rock, no solid foundation. Nothing I build everything upon stays. Ever since my grandma passed away, ever since Jerico and I broke up, I’ve been living by the day, no job, no direction, immersing myself in training, beating myself up inside when I don’t try hard enough or give up too easily, constantly berating myself for every single thing. Knowing the search is futile, I still keep trying to find something new that can be constant and unchanging and long lasting. Knowing things weren’t going to happen, I still let my heart rule my head, and in the end I get hurt, again and again and again.
Some days I wake up completely at peace with my life. Other days I feel like I’m ready for a new day of training and I’m ready for my body to work itself sore. But most days, somewhere along the way, for a second or a minute or an hour, loneliness creeps in, emptiness consumes me, heartache takes over, and regret breaks me down.