I can’t remember how it feels like to be pain free. I have been coping with pain for about 4 years now and I used to believe it would go away one day. Although undiagnosed, I am confident now that I am living with chronic pain, or at least some version of it, and it has consumed me completely. I constantly feel like a freak, or misunderstood. I don’t blame anyone. It is very hard to believe something you can’t see. And I find it very hard to allow myself to feel sad sometimes because I keep telling myself others go through worst shit.
- I have seen all sorts of medical specialists, physiotherapists, chiropractors, alternative and TCM practioners, but nothing has helped long term. I’ve ended up in the A&E several times because I was unable to cope with the pain, but no one has ever been able to help.
- I am consciously dependent on anything that suppresses or reduces pain. At one point I felt that I could not function without Arcoxia. In Perth I hoarded Arcoxia like food, and when I got down to and finished my last one, I really felt like I could not function anymore. Another time I somehow got hold of Proponalol and I took it when I felt down because of pain even though it does not directly treat any of my conditions. I currently alternate between Synflex and heavy doses of Panadol. It does nothing to reduce my pain but my mood can get horrible without it. I am also addicted to Salonpas and Tiget Balm plasters.
- I have had to skip school (missed the H1 Lit ‘A’ Level prelim paper because I couldn’t get out of bed, almost missed the actual ‘A’ Level paper) many times, and miss going out with friends, and then have to deal with the consequences of people saying I’m on MC but not really sick, or that I’m unrealiable when it comes to fixing meetings, or basically incapable of keeping to commitments.
- To add on to that, I am constantly fearful of people judging me as attention seeking and making a mountain out of a molehill. I keep trying to find excuses for my inactivity that does not revolve around my pain. For some reason, this has made me extra sensitive to anything or any comment that makes me feel different. I also feel like my boyfriend blames me for not being able to go on dates and hang out because all I
want to docan do is stay at home and do nothing. - While I don’t blame anyone for it, I also keep feeling that people don’t care about me, because no one asks how I am. I am fully aware that I look and act normal and there is no reason why anyone would feel the need to ask me how I am. Yet I get offended when people ask me to do things I am unable to, like carry heavy things.
- I get very frustrated and hate myself when it takes me an hour to get out of bed, when I can’t flush the toilet, squeeze out soap, scrub my back, or brush my teeth because I hurt the most in the mornining, and when I can’t take off my tshirt in the evening because I can’t raise my arm. And basically it takes me so much willpower to get through the day.
- I feel ugly and fat. This is a very touchy issue to bring up because I have had even my own boyfriend tell me things like, “What you say about yourself will make a lot of girls angry.” I blame any weight gain on my inactivity and then compensate by eating just the bare minimum. Sometimes I eat only so I can take medication. I feel ugly because everyone my age is wearing make up and devoting a lot of time to it and I can’t.
- When I drive, I see myself dying from being unable to react fast enough becuase it hurts to use the steering wheel.
I’ve wanted to write about this for a very long time, but I kept thinking that people will think I am whining, an emo-wannabe. But I am now beyond frustrated with myself and I just want to be normal and not fucked up in so many ways.
